All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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