Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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