Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
