ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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