i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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