Bisexual people are plain selfish.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
