i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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