I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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