Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
