once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
