ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Randomize
