Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
