Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
