Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
