Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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