he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
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Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
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Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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