i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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