shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
