Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My nipple is on Facebook.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
