i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
