and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
