It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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