He asked to "fluff my boner.."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
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she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
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It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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