just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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