My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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