Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can you bring me the toilet please
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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