DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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