My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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