I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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