Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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