and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
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I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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