I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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