I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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