She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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