I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
