I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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