if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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