when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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