I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
