he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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