I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
