you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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