I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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