Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize