so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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