The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
