He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Randomize
