Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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