here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
