I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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