so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
