i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
