Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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