Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
