dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
